Log in

i also hate how much ive cried in the last 24 hours.
or stared at walls.
it makes me sad that sam doesn't seem that bothered about not seeing me til april, when it's breaking my heart.

and that's about it. :)

Feb. 21st, 2009

just a few things, really:

a) i'm pissed off.

b) herne bay was lavely, as per :)

c) i'm pissed off.

d) i filmed today, was good.

e) i'm pissed off.

f) i'm pissed off.

g fucking r fucking o fucking w fucking l


i'm going to sam's today :) :) :) yaaaaaaay :) yum yum yum :) i'm so excited :)


blogging seems pointless right now, because the last two days have been so terrible; i don't know where to start. dad found out mom had been carrying on with phil; something we've all known for a long time.but yeah, he found out & mom finally told dad she'd slept with him. and it went fucking mental. they were physically fighting, screaming, my dad snapped my moms phone in two, he threw all her stuff in the snow (i had to go & collect it) and rang the police.
so today, my mom took the day off with emily and went to the neighbourhood office to try and get a flat. since she couldn't get one like right away, she went to her friends for the night. when dad came back and found out she was gone, he broke down. he cried and screamed for about half an hour, asking me what he was going to do. megan had disappeared, as she always does during shit like this, so i was left to take responsibility for a suicidal 40 year old, anyway; i rang mom. and she came back. i told her icouldn't cope.
and for 2 hours they cried at eachother saying that have to change, and now they're back in bed together.

and it's great that they can forget the last 2 days.
but i can't and emily can't and megan can't.

i got my report yesterday, ben says i'm a distinction level student lacking distinctions because i can't keep my mouth shut. ah whatever.

i'm not fucked with anything right now apart from sam, and getting to herne bay and enjoying my weekend. i love my boy.
this is the one thing my parents can't fuck up :)

i love you baba.

no-one is to know about this.

i'm pissed at myself for leaving my phone upstairs to charge when sam said he was going to sleep :( cause it's the one time he rang me baha :( i love my boy, i do i do i do i do.

i fancy making a taking back sunday cd. yes that is what i'ma do :)
or at least a mixtape to dance & sleep to. :) yum yum yum.

i miss sam, terribly.


& for what it's worth;

i know sam doesn't understand why i'm so sad right now, and i don't blame him. i know it's only 10/9 days now till i see him again and i know it seems stupid that i'm so down about things now when i've just gone a whole month and been fine about it. but, eurgh.
i guess i also know sam's probably getting bored of my whining, so i should really shut the fuck up and smile. but i can't.

i feel selfish because i miss him so much. but i don't understand why i feel selfish either. sure, i'd love to steal him away from everything for a day or two and just i dunno, go snuggle. but right now, i'm not doing that. so why do i feel selfish?

and then's the whole feeling of second best. i don't understand that either, but i do. i feel second best to everyone & everything. everyone has better things to do than to talk to me right now, and i don't blame them; i'm not particularily interesting.

i feel drained. i hope it snows tonight, and college is shut tomorrow, i don't want to act. i want to be sad bethiebear, curled up in bed crying.
because i need to get this out of my system. i've got another year of missing sam to do and eurgh. i can't break now. :(

i just feel like shit.
and i think i'm going to feel like shit for the next 9 days.


bur :(

the pain of missing sam isn't even just metaphorical pain anymore, it's real. i can feel it in my tummy and my head, the ache of not wanting to do anything but sit here and think about him :( but then that turns to paranoia, which hurts me even more. :( i just, need him. :( as everyday goes by, the pain gets worse and then, i don't know what to do. :( sometimes 200 miles seem neverending. :( for fuck sake.


I fell asleep whilst writing a big old entry in bed last night, but basically; i feel second best to everything and everyone. And it's orrible :(


So i'm lying here, holding my world in my arms :) sam's snoozing :) i will wake him up in time for demons, but right now i'm just watching him sleep :) i look to my left, and i see my world :) i stroke his face and i feel my future in his skin :) he's everything to me, okay, brixton was a disaster. But, i'd give anything for 72 hours to see my boy's face while he sleeps :) all i know right now is that i feel so much love that my whole body tingles, i want to cry but it wouldn't make sense. But nothing has to make sense right now :) nothing. :) i'm in love with the boy i'm holding close to me :) and that's never going to change. :)